elephant shoes

the truth is

all our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow

…someone searching for us too <3 

fact

everyone wants stuff. we wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true.

but just because we want them doesn’t mean we need them to be happy

abandonment issues

My faith in humanity is slowly deteriorating enough to the point where my only source of comfort is being able to read my own words on this stupid blog.

Pathetic.

I really don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. I’m a smart girl. I know right from wrong and I know what’s self-destructive and what’s not. But it’s kind of like how smokers know that ten to twenty years down the line they’ll end up in a hospital bed but they smoke anyways. It’s an immediate relief kind of thing. I’ve always resented smoking being that it was something that I just never really understood, but now I’m beginning to understand why people do it. The same thing goes for drinking or anything else that feels good but will eventually kill you when done to an extreme. I have my own habit. It’s a really bad habit, but it provides that temporary relief. And I don’t care that it’s temporary. It’s my own way of dealing.

I don’t know why I walk around with this facade as if I’m capable of doing things on my own when I get so upset when people leave me. They say loneliness is a gift. I don’t get that. I see it as the worst feeling in the world. People need people to survive and I’ve always wanted to see myself as someone who’s helping other people survive. Clearly, they don’t view me in the same way since they seem to love kicking me around and leaving me behind. I really just don’t get it sometimes. I’m a nice girl. I’m a caring person and so are the people around me. So why is there so much pain and suffering around me?

….

The bottom line is I’m still dealing with a lot of things that I wish I never had to deal with in the first place. I don’t deal with rejection very well. I don’t deal with loneliness very well. To put it simply, I just don’t deal with things well in general. I’m lousy at being in denial and I’m sure as hell lousy at forgetting. I just have to keep walking with my chin up and hope that at the end of the journey I can say that it was worth it.

…. wish me luck people

i was gonna be perfect…was gonna make my love feel like the first time you rode your bike without training wheels- kneel before you every day like there was no one else before you. cause i’ve heard your heart beat like that breeze that could bring any violence to its knees & the best lines i’ve ever written? i plagiarized every word from the thoughts of yours i heard while you were just sittin in silence staring up at mars… but you never wish on shooting stars, you wish on the ones that have the courage to shine where they are no matter how dark the night, no matter how hard the fight.

how now do i turn away from that light, when i wanted to be eighty with you? birth babies like poems with you& let them write themselves. wanted to hold your heart to my ear like a sea-shell til i could hear the tides of every tear you’ve ever cried, then build islands in the seas of your eyes so you’d see there’s land to swim to
hold your hand& say storms are born from the same sky we write hymns to when the sun shines. sometimes it takes tempests to wake rainbows that will wind our pain into halos. i was gonna carve your name into my wrist so my pulse could kiss you. was gonna love you so well…

i’d wake every morning& tell you things like this…

“bliss is the moments you’re with me, when your gone my life hurts like hell but i’ll do anything to make you happy. even if it means setting you free

…to be with someone else”

word to the wise

my mother taught me something. she said if you repeat something over & over again it loses its meaning. & our existence is the same way. you watch the sunset too often, it just becomes 6 pm. you make the same mistake over & over, you’ll stop calling it a mistake. & if you just wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.. one day you’ll forget why.

“nothing is forever” she said

…. & i’m beginning to think that it’s time for a change. i’m getting a lil tired of this same old song & dance

fragile

he is like a cardboard box. although he is in brown, or prefabricated or even a square by any means… he still has the word fragile written up the side of his stomach. his hands? they looked like spiders, like lonely spiders trying to find something to hold on to. they wove webs between my fingers, & found peace within my palms. these spiders told me stories of infinity, passion,& teenage hearts. he was like a canvas- & we all know that blank canvases wear masterpieces uncomfortably, looking pretty artsy& intriguing from the outside but leaving white spaces to learn what it means to be forgotten, constrained, & suffocated- blank surfaces feel the pressure under picasso’s paint brush. pushing colors into insufficient spaces… making bare canvas boys into works of art.

& he is just a tender boy, but his hands told my body stories behind locked doors. they told me stories of mistakes made in the past, & guarantees the ones he’s gonna make in the future. & i was just another girl, & he was just another boy, & we were two awkward teenagers stumbling upon reasons, trying to find significance tattooed on each other’s tongues. but together? we were somebody.

i remember the first time i noticed that he was broken. he tasted like glass& looked like scissors. it was early january, 8 yrs ago. he was misunderstood& i know that i should’ve been careful… but the way his guitar tuned the strings of my heart felt all too perfect to be dangerous. the way his jaw cocked& loaded every time we kissed felt all to perfect to be dangerous. the was his hazel eyes broke down my body, naked& vulnerable…. the way he told me he loved me felt all too dangerous to be perfect.

& if art is beauty, then we were van gogh splattered across the sunset. & if art is truth, then we were monet streaked across the skylight. & if art is God, then we were picasso cascading blackened stars across the universe, exploding like a glance, like a gun, like a star with a flick of a paintbrush into infinity. he taught me what it felt like to rip myself open, unbuttoning my insecurities& unzipping my skin like paper to find my heart lying there soaked in inexperience& blood… he taught me what it felt like to have a heartbeat.

& now i don’t know whether i should hate him or love him for what he did to me. our relationships were filled with games, you see. he& i? we pretended like he would stick around& acted like i wouldn’t care if he stayed or left. we acted like we knew what we were doing because we thought that we did. & now i wish a lot of things. i wish i could’ve stained his hip bones with the pattern of promises i told him. i wish i could’ve tarnished his forearm with the rustic remembrance of what once was. & i wish that saying i love you was half as easy as writing it is.

 … but he was so god damn fragile & i was just a girl left behind to talk to cardboard boxes that made me feel like he was still listening- like he still cared. & i told him that i loved him, that i missed him. & now many years have passed& the only thing i feel that i have left to say is thank you

& that i only wish the best for him <3

something to talk about

Ok.

What to talk about… I haven’t been much of a blogger in the past few months, but i consider myself a heavy thinker.

This does not mean i ponder on profound things throughout my day. Just in volume, i have quite the menagerie of odd thoughts. Unfortunately I have nothing to show for it, cus usually i just forget about it. So this is my effort to make my thoughts last. There will be no organization or order because there just is none.

Sooooo…I ask you blogging fools…

1. Why do parents insist that THEIR kid is unique?

2. Why is it that when you ask someone what kind of music they listen to, it’s always “i listen to everything”. That’s a fat fucking lie.

3. Why is it “emo” to play folk music with lyrics consisting of awkward love tales but it’s absolutely hip to say things like “she move like a boss, do what a boss do”?

4. Why is it easy to wrap your head around the idea of life being short..yet it’s so hard to apply that concept in your day-to-day life?

5. I’m confused as to why nipples are blurred out on tv. Just the nipples. Why? The remaining 90% of the boob is totally fine. As LONG as the nipples aren’t showing. That’s just never going to make sense. I hope dicks won’t be all over television with blurred pee holes cus that won’t pass for me.

6. Wanting to be single? I understand. Cheating? I just don’t get it. Why is it so hard for people to be honest these days? Leaving out information is exactly the same as lying dumb fucks. Play another game where hearts aren’t involved. Take time to become a better person, not a better lay. Get a massage. Take a nap. Eat a banana. Don’t fucking cheat& stop leading people on. Its cruel& inconsiderate.

I’d like to leave you with a mental note of a blurred pee hole. =D

Goodnight

take over control

sometimes it’s easier to pretend that things are okay, rather than face a difficult truth. so we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life. we hope the comfortable rhythms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable just a little longer; return things to normal, anything to buy us more time. playing pretend, make believe, it might be the one thing we never outgrow.

the more things change, the more they stay the same. i’m not sure who the first person was who said that, probably shakespeare, sounds like something he’d say. but at the moment its the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw; my inability to change. i don’t think i’m alone in this, the more i get to know other people, the more i realize it’s kind of everyones flaw. staying exactly the same, for as long as possible, standing perfectly still, it feels better somehow. & if you’re suffering, at least the pain is familiar. because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there, chances are it could be even worse. so you maintain the status quo, choose the road already travelled. & it doesn’t seem that bad, not as far as flaws go, you’re not a drug addict, you’re not killing anyone - except maybe yourself a little. 

they say that patience is a virtue, & that good things comes to those who wait … but they also say that he who hesitates, is lost. the only way to get a change, is to actually change. 

cheers to a new attitude& perspective